trustfell | how am i going to be an optimist about this?

how am i going to be an optimist about this?

[Almost as soon as the trial lets out, Tarrlok kind of... tears off to the kitchen, because he's mildly concerned that he's going to experience an adrenaline crash before he even starts cooking, and so he begins! He starts on some tea, marinating some beef for kebabs... but he feels like he's forgetting something...

...

OH SHIT. HE FORGOT TO PUT NOTES OUT OKAY FUCK HANG ON LET HIM REHASH SOMETHING HE THOUGHT WAS FUNNY AND SHOVE IT UNDER PEOPLE'S DOORS BEFORE ANYTHING BURNS]

FOOD IN EAT PLACE

[okay whew he makes it back to the kitchen. And so does Yuri at some point, actually! So... Tarrlok will be getting kebabs ready for everyone, since he was hungry for them, Yuri confirmed, and Cabanela said he'd have whatever he'd have. Speaking of, Cabanela shows up to make some chicken soup! And Yuri makes curry, teriyaki chicken, and steamed vegetables. So there's a little something for everyone. The food that gets put out isn't super fancy, but it's nice, and there's tea just like Elda wanted.

So have at, then!]

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[The minor scratches she's not so worried about. When Luca was doing his think, Rin was ducking for cover like a sensible person, however, and since the podiums go in a circle... Well, she wasn't sure if he took more than one arrow until now.

That more than his words is what's getting her to cool down again. The emotional whiplash is giving her a headache.]

Yeah, I should get over it.

[She holds her left arm close to her, vision fuzzy. It hurts more than her bruised throat right now, enough to make her feel dizzy. Her voice is deceptively casual.]

I should get over your injuries, and get over what happened to Sayaka. I should get over watching Hibiki and Alex die right in front of me. It's a minor thing to think you could have joined that number. I'll put it out of my head immediately.

[Oh boy, that's going to get a reaction out of him.]

Don't you dare bring them into this! What happened to them and what happened to me are entirely different things, and you damn well know it! The girls didn't have a choice in their deaths: Hibiki didn't choose to get punished, Sayaka didn't choose to get stabbed, and Alex didn't choose to get electrocuted!

I, on the other hand, chose this. I chose this, and I would choose it again, because it meant that you and everyone else didn't die. And don't you dare tell me that I shouldn't have, because deep down inside you know I'm right. Someone had to do something to stop her, and I was just the first to move.

[You know, he did a halfway decent job of talking her into how he only acted for practical reasons earlier, and this is just taking that progress and lighting it on fire in a trash can.]

You couldn't be more wrong if you threw a dart blindfolded!

[She's marching right back over to grab him by the shirt. It's worth noting in this moment that Rin's a lot stronger than she looks, but today is a weird day. Her skin is hot. She's got him pretty well by her right hand, but there's next to no grip strength in her left; she may as well only be pinching the fabric of his shirt with that hand.]

Listen to me. I will never tell you you're right, got it? Those three were my friends; the first real friends I've ever had, and I would watch them die again over you deciding it's okay to throw your life away to save everyone!

[There's so many technical reasons she could give for this, why it's just an unsound strategy when there were still things they hadn't tried that would be less risky; when negotiations were keeping her attention.

Any of these would be good points to make. If Rin calmed down, she'd also be able to look at the situation rationally, and admit it's the kind of stunt she'd pull too, with some changes. But she isn't thinking of any of that right now! In a rare display, she's running almost completely on emotion here, and that was a strong one.]

[That is definitely a little weird, and Luca probably would notice it more readily if he weren't so pissed off right now. Maybe he'll ask about it later, when cooler heads prevail.]

Well perhaps you should get your priorities in order, then! I'm older than you, and older than they were. I'm not decrepit by any means, but I've had plenty of years to experience life. You're all teenagers! You deserve the chance to grow up and be your own people.

[Sayaka was supposed to grow up and sing on her own terms, not on the terms set out before her.

She was supposed to be happy for once, to have a family that cared for her, and to have the chance to be her own person.

It's not fair.

Tears are stinging at his eyes, and he can't stop them.

It's not fair.]

And- and sometimes us adults have to make tough decisions so that you teenagers get that chance to grow up and experience life for yourselves, alright?! WE'RE the ones who are supposed to put our lives on the line, not you! That's our job! We're supposed to protect you, not cower in fear while you step up to do the tough jobs, or- or set up some idiotic trap for you to wander into!

[It's not fucking fair!]

[The fact is, until she came to this place no one has looked at Rin like she was a child; no one important, anyways. As far as the world of mage's is considered, she's been an adult since she was seven and expected to act like one.

She's not embodying it well right now, but Luca's words are so alien to her for that reason. Alien as applied to her, anyways.

"You're all teenagers! You deserve the chance to grow up and be your own people."

She wanted that for Sayaka; she wanted Sayaka to stop putting herself down and put her own happiness first. She wanted her to be happy. She wanted Hibiki and Alex to be happy. Ghosts and animal obsessions aside, they were normal. They made every day better, and they were robbed.

Rin grits her teeth and banishes those thoughts, feeling dizzy with it. She can't—she can't think about it right now. She needs to be alone.]

Getting shot isn't going to magically bring them back! It's not going to solve everything you didn't do and guarantee anyone's safety going forward! It's just another senseless death for a stupid reason!

I know it won't bring them back! I know! And it's because we failed them!

[Himself, and Cabanela, and Rideaux, and Tarrlok, and especially Kyrie.

He leans back against his headboard, tilting his head back and covering his face with his good hand. When he speaks again it's quieter, but no less emotional. ]

We were right there , Rin. Only a few steps behind them. One of us should have gone in first. We adults are all taller, one of us might have seen the trap mechanism, or even- I-

I can't do that again. I can't let someone else die because I did nothing.

[Dammit... It's hard to keep yelling at him when he makes a face like that.

With an odd expression on her face and eyes that are too bright, Rin releases her hold on Luca's shirt, her left arm trembling slightly as she does so. She holds it close to herself.]

You can't think about what you wish had happened instead. [Her voice is gentler now. Not calm, but understanding; not quieter, but... strangely weaker.] You'll only make it more painful for yourself.

Would you be happy if Tarrlok were dead?

...no. I wouldn't.

[He sounds so resigned as he says that too. He really wishes he could have done something, but any changes to what happened would only result in someone else dead. If not by the trap, then by Hilda 8 hours later.

But that doesn't mean he has to like it.]

Though shoving Kyrie into her own trap sounds like a good choice.

[Rin snorts a little at that comment, as if she appreciates the sentiment. Ah. She needs to sit down now.]

When you talk like that, it reminds me of how he looked. I hate it.

[The way he just sunk to the floor there, when Alex was killed, and barely moved to get away from the water even as she tried to drag him.

"I should've... I'm sorry."

Whatever he meant to say before he trailed off, she doesn't want to know.]

He probably feels the same way you do. If you don't want that for him, that's more or less how it feels from my position, hearing you say the same things.

[Wobbily, she makes her way over to the nearest bed to sit.]

[Luca wants to argue that it's different, that the situations were different and that means they're not comparable at all, but he's just so tired now. He doesn't have it in him to argue anymore.

Instead he just looks away from Rin as he lays there quietly for a bit, thinking. And when he does speak, his voice is much more even and under control.]

I'm not going to apologize for what I did, but I'll be more cautious in the future.

[Those few extra seconds are worthwhile. Rin was already starting to calm down, but she too sounds more levelheaded now. A little tired, and out of it.]

It's okay, so long as you do that. I let my temper get the better of me... I should have cooled off before talking to you about it.

[For his sake, but also her own. She's paying for letting her emotions get the better of her there, as the pain in her left arm is excruciating. Dammit, she forgot to take her medicine this morning.]

I didn't make your wound worse, did I? You should rest up.

Probably not. I don't see any extra blood on the bandages.

[And he's on painkillers right now, so at worst all he can feel is a dull throb.]

Rest does sound like a good idea, though.

Get some sleep, then. I'll stay here a little while longer.

[And probably rest herself. It's a good thing Rule 3 doesn't apply to this room.]

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how am i going to be an optimist about this?

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